Harry Potter: The random parody part 2
by lozza1989
Summary: This is a parody of the Chamber of secrets, sequal to the Philosopher's stone Parody. NO FLAMES! Contains swearing and sexual references
1. Chapter 1

The real crappy Birthday

Harry Potter was sat at the table, having breakfast with his really nasty relatives, the Dursleys, but he wasn't having a proper breakfast, he was just having the left overs.

"Harry, pass me the milk you dickhead" Dudley ordered.

"Get it yourself you lazy fart" replied Harry in a rather cocky manner "No one orders the almighty Harry Potter around".

"No, you get it or I'll unscrew your head off and feed it to next doors dog" Dudley threatened.

"Say the Magic word" Harry said, only to get a good whacking around the earhole from uncle Vernon as he had forbidded the M-word in the Dursley household since Harry had arrived back from Hogwarts.

"Are you deaf as well as stupid, never ever MENTIONE THE M-WORD IN THIS HOUSE". Uncle Vernon had yelled so loudly that the whole house shook.

"Now, I have some very important visitors coming round later and I want everythign to be perfect" Vernon announced.

"Why would any important visitors come here, you are not important" Harry commented. Vernon gave him and evil glare. "Shut up you prick".

"So sorry your highness" replied Harry with a bow. Vernon was getting very angry now.

"Are you taking the piss out of me because if you are, I will hit you" he growled.

"Come on then fatty" said Harry with his arms out "hit me if it'll make you feel good". Vernon roared and went to hit Harry who ducked just in time.

"Now, as I was saying before I was rudely interupted" Vernon gives Harry the daggers who just flips of vernon in response " I have some very important visitors coming over later and I want eveerything to be perfect, so Petunia you will be"

"I will be in the lounge, doing the hokey pokey" said Petunia. "No woman, you will be welcoming them with a cup of tea and a digestive biscuit, stupid woman. And Dudley, you will be"

"Waiting to open the door and fall stupidly on my face" Dudley put in. Vernon whacked him round the head. "No you idiot, you will be taking their coats".

"I knew that" replied Dudley, rubbing his head. "Good" Vernon snarled before turning to Harry "and you will be staying in your bedroom and making no noise". Harry had now gotten to big to sleep in the cuboard under the stairs so he was moved into the spare room and that was small.

"Does sexually noises count?" Harry asked. "Yes boy, especially sexually noises, now go in the garden and pull the weeds out and then go to bed" Vernon growled.

"Ok, whatever pleasures you" Harry replied before he went out in the garden, singing Happy Birthday to himself. Today was his Twelveth birthday and he had now developed a manly voice, but their was still a hint of a little boy's voice mixed in so he sounded half man half boy. He was hating the summer holidays because he hadn't recieved any letters from his friends Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and Hagrid. He tried sending them letters, but Uncle Vernon locked his owl, Hedwig the first in a cage and forbid Harry to let her out.

"Stupid ass muggles, treating the great Harry Potter like a slave" he muttered as he pulled weeds from the garden. "If I was allowed to do magic outside of school, I would turn them all into toads and then feed them to a Dragon". At that moment,the basalisk appeared for some reason, he doesn't come in until the end.

"What the hell do you want, I thought you didn't appear until the end" Harry stated in parseltongue without realising it.

"_I need a check of one million pounds to build the chamber of secrets_" replied the basalisk.

"Stupid ass snake, you've just spoiled the plotline for those who haven't read the story" said Harry.

"_Just give me the check and I'll clear ofuntil the end"_ the Basalisk demanded.

"Fine" sighed Harry, writing a check of one million. (Where he got the check, I do not know) and gave it to the basalisk.

"_Say, how about me and you go down to my chamber for beer and movies"_ the Basalisk suggested.

"If I give you a fiver, will you fuck off and leave me alone?" Harry asked.

"_Deal"_ The Basalisk replied. Harry slipped him a five pound note and the Basalisk went.

"GET IN HERE BOY AND GET TO BED" Uncle Vernon roared. Harry pulled himself up and went inside.

"Get upstairs you stupid ass" Uncle Vernon growled.

"No one talks to the great and powerful Harry Potter like that" Harry informed.

"Just get up them stairs" Uncle Vernon thundered. Harry bowed in pleasure and went to his bedroom, only to find what can be described as an elf on his bed, reading the newspaper. It looked up.

"Harry Potter, such a pleasure to meet you" the elf squeaked.

So, what do you reckon so far, do you think it could be just as good as the first one? No Flames or any kinds of Abuse, please. Chapter two will be up soon.


	2. The warning from Dobby

The warning from Dobby

Harry slammed his bedroom door and turned to the elf.

"Who the fuck are you?" he demanded. The elf jumped off Harry's bed and bowed. "I am Dobby, the house elf oh great Harry Potter" the elf replied.

"You're an elf huh?" Harry asked. "Yes sir, I am " Dobby replied. Suddenly, Gollum appeared

"My preciouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus" said Gollum, touching Dobby up.

"Get the hell out of my room you ugly bastard" said Harry, grabbing Gollum by the head and throwing him out of the window.

"Sir, that was my gay lover" Dobby squeaked in horror. "I don't care about you bloody gay lover, what are you doing here?" Harry demanded.

"Ah yes sir Harry Potter, Dobby has come to warn you of a great peril" Dobby said. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"And what great peril do you speak off?" the boy who lived asked. "At Hogwarts Harry Potter, a great peril at Hogwarts and Dobby has come to warn Harry Potter not to return to Hogwarts, if he goes back, he will be in mortal danger" Dobby said.

"What are you talking about, I am the great and powerful Harry Potter, no one can harm me" harry said, rather proud.

"But sir, you musn't return to Hogwarts this year" Dobby warned. Harry, who was now getting angry, grabbed Dobby by the pillow case he was wearing and started slamming his head agaisnt the wall.

"Never, ever tell me not to go back to Hogwarts" he growled. "Ow, ooh, ow" Dobby squeaked as Harry battered his head against the wall. Just then, he heard Uncle Vernon come thundering up the stairs like an angry bull so he shoved a struggling Dobby into the wardrobe just as uncle Vernon burst in, looking like a tomato.

"What the bloody hell in jesus are you doing up here?" he growled. "Nothing, I was just head butting the wall because I'm extremely pissed off with living with people like you" he lied. "You just interupted my break-dancing routine. One more sound and I'll tear your ears off boy". After Uncle Vernon went back downstairs, Harry let Dobby out of the wardrobe. He was covered in snow.

"See why i've got to go ba-hang on, why do you have snow all over you?" Harry wondered.

"I have been to Narnia sir, I've been having tea with Mr Tumnus" Dobby replied. "What?" Harry asked in amazement "there's a Narnia in my wardrobe". He walked into the wardrobe and into Narnia.

"Wow, I'm in Narnia, oh hello Mr Tumnus".

"Can we get back to the real story?" asked the rather impatient readers. Harry stumbled back into his bedroom and turned to Dobby.

"I have to go back to Hogwarts, it's the only place I've got friends" Harry told Dobby.

"Friends who can't be bothered to write to Harry Potter?" Dobby asked. Harry was now begining to get suspicious and eyed Dobby suspiciously.

"Hang on a gosh darn, dang nabbit minute, how the hell do you know that my friends haven't been writing to me?" he demanded, losing his temper.

"You musn't be angry with Dobby, I've been stopping your letters because Dobby thought if Harry Potter's friends haven't been writing to him, he might not want to go back to school" Dobby admitted, pulling out a stackful of letters addressed to Harry. Now Harry was really angry.

"THAT'S IT YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" he snarled, grabbing for Dobby who ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs with Harry in hot pursuit. The elf stopped dead in his tracks and eyed the rather delicious looking cake that was on the kitchen counter. Harry knew what Dobby was about to do next.

"Don't you dare you little swine" Harry gritted. "Say you're not going back to Hogwarts" Dobby ordered. "Piss off Elfy, I am so going back to Hogwarts" Harry stated in a very cocky manner.

"Then I'm afraid that Dobby must do it" the Elf informed before clicking his fingers. The cake (man, I'd love to eat that) began floating towards the living room where Vernon was talking to two very important people. Harry watched in horror as the cake fell on top of the very important woman's head.

"You little bastard" Harry muttered to Dobby who vanished into thin air. After the cake incident, the Dursleys became really evil and locked poor old Harry in his room.

"You are not going back to that freaky school and you are not going to see those friends of yours again, never, muhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" said Uncle Vernon in a very evil way. "I hate you, fatso" Harry stated.

One evening, when he was fast asleep, Harry had been awoken by a tapping on his window.

"What in the fucking hell?" Harry wondered grogily as he got out of bed and wondered to his window to see a freckled face peering in.

"Ron Weasley?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Who did you expect asswipe" Ron replied. Harry was happy to see him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked.

"Rescuing you, you big baffoon asshole, now get your god damn truck, bitch" Ron ordered.


	3. The flying car

The flying car

"Truck?" Harry asked "didn't you mean, trunk?." Ron slapped his forhead and the twins where laughing evilly.

"Oh yeah,I'm such an idiot" Ron said before he climbed through the window and looked around Harry's small bedroom. "It's abit small this bedroom."

"I know" said Harry in a rather pityful voice "my bastard of an uncle chose it out for me because basicly, he's a bastard." The twins had now entered the bedroom and started jumping on Harry's bed, giving each other high fives as they jumped. Ron turned to them with a hint of frustration.

"If you two can kindly stop behaving like a pair of idiots, we need to get Harry's school stuff so we can take him back to ours" he ordered before turning to Harry "where do you keep your school stuff?."

"In the cuboard at the bottom of the stairs, it's were I used to sleep when I was a little kid" Harry replied "now come on and we need to be very quiet." He unlocked his bedroom door and he,Ron and the twins crept along the hallway. They crept past Dudley's bedroom when they heard a farting noise.

"What was that?" Ron asked in a hushed voice.

"It was my cousin Dudley, he has a farting problem"Harry replied with a grin. The twins couldn't help but giggle.

"Does he live on baked beans or something?" George asked.

"He eats about five full tins of baked beans a week" Harry replied. Ron grinned again and the twins were laughing evilly. They crept down the stair case and towards the cuboard. Harry opened it and took out all his school stuff. He managed to stop himself screaming his high pitched girlish scream when a wet mop fell on his head.

"Wow, muggles have their own broomsticks" Ron said in amamzement.

"It's a mop" said harry as he pushed the mop back inside "and it's for cleaning floors with, not flying." Afterwards, they carried Harry's school supplies back up the stairs and into Harry's bedroom where they started loading them in the back of the blue flying car. Hedwig the first started shrieking so loud that it woke the whole house up.

"THAT GOD DAMN OWL" they heard uncle Vernon yell "I'M GOING TO PLUCK OUT IT'S FEATHERS AND SERVE IT FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER."

"Quick" Harry whispered as the door to the bedroom next door opened. They had just managed to get Hedwig in when Harry's bedroom door flew open and the Dursleys were stood there, catching Harry about to climb in the car.

"GET BACK HERE YOU" Uncle Vernon yelled, lunging at Harry and dragging him back into the bedroom by his ankle which was a big mistake because Harry kicked him in the privates and managed to jump back into the car. Uncle Vernon wasn't determined to give up and tried to stop the car from getting away, only to fall out of the window and into the Rose bush.

"ASTALAVISTA,ARSEHOLES"Harry yelled as the car flew into the sky.

"What is all that about, ruddy cars don't fly" said Uncle Vernon as he dusted himself off "WELL GO THEN YOU FOUR EYED FREAK, SEE IF WE CARE."

The car was halfway over the motorway and Harry was telling them about Dobby.

"And then, he told me that I musn't return to Hogwarts as there will be a great peril" he told them.

"What a load of old tosh" said Ron "I bet Dobby was sent by someone's idea of a joke. Maybe someone doesn't want you coming back and sent Dobby to make out that there was Danger at Hogwarts so you wouldn't come back. Now who do we know at school that hates you?."

"If you're talking about Draco Malfoy, then you could be right" Harry replied "I mean, he hates my guts." He then started imagining Draco sending Dobby to stop him from coming to Hogwarts.

_Draco was strutting around his big manor house, thinking of ways to stop Harry Potter from coming back to Hogwarts._

"_There must be something I can do to stop Potter from coming back to Hogwarts?" he thought out loud. He then had the perfect idea when he spotted Dobby, cleaning the floors with a toothbrush._

"_Hey Dobby, I have a favour to ask you" said Draco, strutting over to the elf._

"_Whatever you are asking sir, I'd be most obedient to do" said Dobby with a bow "now what is it that you want Dobby to do?."_

"_I want you to find Harry Potter and tell him that he musn't return to Hogwarts as there is a great peril" Draco instructed._

"_But, there isn't sir" Dobby replied "I will not stop the great and powerful Harry Potter from coming to Hogwarts." Angily, Draco grabbed Dobby by the pillow case he was wearing._

"_You will go to Harry Potter and tell him that he isn't to return to Hogwarts and use the excuse I gave you. If you disobey me then I will put you in the oven and cook you, understand?." Dobby nodded with a whimper._

"_Good" Draco sneered "now get going."_

"_Indeed sir,Dobby will do as you say" and he clicked his fingers and vanished. Draco rubbed his hands together evily._

"_Soon I will have Potter out of that school and I can then rule the world. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha."_

"Harry, Harry?." Harry snapped back into reality and saw Ron shaking him.

"What happened?" he asked, clearly confused.

"You spaced out mate, come on, we've arrived at my place" Ron replied. Harry opened the car door,stepped out and got a look at Ron's house for the first time. It was all wonky and was being held up by sticks.

"Welcome to the burrow Harry" said Ron "My home."


	4. The burrow

The burrow

Harry gazed up at Ron's house in amazement. It was a tree filled with several different rooms and five chimneys stacked on top.

"Are you just going to stand there gawping or are you going to come in?" Ron asked, giving Harry a push.

"Get off Ron, don't push me" said Harry rather annoyed "I'm going ok." He followed Ron and the twins as they climbed through the kitchen window and jumped onto the kitchen floor. When Harry climbed through, a pigeon flew past and took a dump on his head.

"Stupid fucking bird" Harry hissed as the pigeon did a victory dance and flew off into oblivion. He jumped down and asked Ron who the pigeon was.

"I don't know you jack ass" Ron snapped "there's some shampoo over there, it washes pigeon shit out of your hair." Harry thanked his ginger friend and went to wash his hair in the kitchen sink as Mrs Weasley came down and screamed like hell.

"WHERE HAVE YOU THREE BEEN, I AM VERY ANGRY WITH YOU" she raged making Ron poo himself.

"We needed to rescue Harry Potter" Ron said "his aunt and uncle locked him up in his bedroom." At first, Mrs Weasley didn't believe him.

"Yeah right, you went out boozing didn't you?" she raged. Just then, Harry appeared next to Ron with a tea towel on his head.

"See" said Ron in triumph "he is here."

"Well why didn't you say so" She went to give Harry a hug and noticed the tea towel on his head. "Why do you have a tea towel on your head?"

"A pigeon pooed on my head" Harry replied "I was washing out with shampoo." Mrs Weasley nodded and insisted that Harry have some breakfast just as Ron's younger sister Ginny came sauntering into the kitchen.

"Mummy,have you seen my barbie jumper?" she asked "It was on my bedroom floor and now it's gone."

"Stop whining Ginny" Mrs Weasley said sternly "the cat's wearing it."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?" Ginny screamed. Just then a black cat scarpered past, wearing a bright pink barbie jumper and Ginny started chasing after it.

"Come back here Mr Tibbles, give me back my jumper" she yelled. After she had managed to catch Mr Tibbles, she saw Harry sat at the breakfast table and she went all flirty.

"Hi hot stuff" she said, twirling her hair around "I think you're sexy." Ron and the twins giggled as Harry blushed.

"Enough Ginny, leave the poor boy alone" Mrs weasley said sternly. Still smiling at Harry, Ginny slunk upstairs and blew Harry a kiss.

"She's crazy about you" Ron said "she's been talking about you all summer, she even has pictures of you with love hearts drawn around them." Harry nearly spilled the orange juice he was drinking onto the floor.

"You're telling me that you're ten year old sister has a crush on me?" Harry asked.

"Actually she's Eleven" Ron correted " and she's starting her first year at Hogwarts this year." Harry went bright red again and shoved a giant hard boiled egg into his mouth and slowly started chewing it.A while later. Mr weasley arrived home from work which he had been at since two in the morning and plonked himself down at the table.

"What's for breakfast?" he asked.

"Whatever I give you" Mrs weasley replied "and you're having six hard boiled eggs, a sausage, two potatoes and a carrot." Mr weasley shrugged and poured himself a giant glass of orange juice before noticing that Harry was sat next to him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I am the great Harry Potter" Harry replied. Beaming, Mr weasley grinned and shook Harry's hand very fast.

"I am so honoured to meet you Harry, Ron's told us all about you" said Mr weasley cheerfully.

"We bought him here in your car dad" said Fred as he let out a massive fart which killed the family's pet three headed toad, Bruce.

"And how did it go?" Mr weasley asked eagerly "did it fly?"

"It sure did" admitted Ron proudly "it flew like a beauty." Mr Weasley beamed and did a victory dance on the table which annoyed Mrs Weasley to hell.

"Will you get down from there now you idiot" she shrieked. Mr weasley went bright red and sat back down on his chair and began tucking into his breakfast.

"So what do you do Mr weasley?" Harry asked.

"Oh I work for the ministry of magic dear boy" Mr weasley replied.

"Boring" said Harry, pulling a face.

"And I can do magic things to muggle objects" Mr Weasley continued. At this point, Harry looked alot more interested.

"Oh really,like what?" he asked with deep interest "I would like to know what you do."

"Well" Mr weasley began "I once made a kettle grow a pair of legs and dance to the tango. I made a toilet sing bohemien rhapsody by Queen,I made a microwave make a cup of coffee, I made a car turn into a giant killer Robot and kill all the muggle terrorists in the world, I made a two tea cups act out a scene from the muggle movie star wars: the empire strikes back, I made a pair of under pants sing dancing queen by Abba, I made a television play a game of poker with a washing machine and that's it."

"Wow" said Harry amazed "Maybe I can use the giant killer robot thing on Voldemort." The whole room fell eerily silent and every one gave Harry funny looks.

"I just said that forbidden name didn't I again?" Harry asked. Everyone nodded silently.

"Awkard" Harry replied simply. After breakfast, Harry and Ron went up to Ron's room. They met Ginny half way up and she was making flirting noises at Harry.

"We meet again handsome" she said in a flirty voice. She took out a camera, took a photo of Harry, giggled and went back into her room.

"That was awkard" Harry pointed out. Ron nodded in agreement and the two boys continued up to Ron's bedroom which was at the very top of the tree. Inside it was all orange, the floor, the walls, the ceilings, the bed, even the windows were orange.

"Wow, it's very orange" said Harry, unsure of what to make of the orange bedroom.

"Thanks" beamed Ron proudly "I painted it by myelf." Harry nodded and parked his ass on the orange bed.

"I'm going to get some snacks, you wait here" Ron ordered before sauntering out the room. Sighing, Harry flopped himself back on the bed and grinned in a very cheesy way.

"This place is so much better than the Dursley's" he muttered, beaming.


	5. Back to Diagon alley

Back to Diagon alley

For the rest of the summer, Haary had stayed with the weasley's and he liked it there because while he was staying there, he was treated like an actual human being and not some horrid creature that jumped into something smelly, rolled in it for two hours at the least and then left trails behind. He would spend hours with Ron in his bedroom reading wizard magazines and then joining the twins for a midnight snack every single night,Molly Weasley would give him extra helpings of food every single day that he putting abit of weight on but he wasn't as fat as dudley, Arthur Weasley would have conversations with him about the muggle world and became fascinated when Harry explained how a toaster worked.

"Amazing" said Arthur "I'll have to pop this down on my book." He got out a book named "how the muggles live by Arthur weasley" and filled it in. The only thing that embarresed harry was when Little Ginny flirted with him and kept going on about how she would marry him when they got older and the most disturbing part was that Ginny was only Eleven years old and she was flirting like a sixteen year old. Her parents had warned her to calm down a little but she seemed reluctant.

"But he's so gorgous, I can't help it" she protested.

"You have pleny more time to flirt now go and be a kid and play in your bedroom" Arthur told her.

"Whatever" Ginny said making the W Sign with her fingers.

Two weeks later, the Weasleys and harry were all preparing to go to Diagon ally to collect their school supplies.

"It's going to be expensive this year because we need to get Ginny school stuff aswell" Ron explained.

"If I'm in Gryffindor, I am going to sit next to you at breakfast dinner and tea time every single day handsome" Ginny said as she stood way to close to Harry.

"Errr,,, thanks" said Harry in a really uncomfortable way. Pretty soon, they were all stood around the fire place, getting ready to go to diagon alley.

"Ron, why are we stood around the fire place,how are we going to get to Diagon alley if we are stood around the fire place because it is all is what we are doing" Harry said.

"Floo powder" Ron replied.

"No thanks I don't have the flu so I don't need any flu powder" Harry replied. Everyone started laughing at him and Harry went all confused like.

"What's so bloody funny?" he asked.

"I'm not talking about that kind of floo powder, this floo powder is what we use to get to Diagon alley, here I'll show you" said Ron before getting a hand full of floo powder and standing in he fire place. Harry stared open mouthed as Ron yelled "Diagon alley" threw the powder onto the ground and vanished before his very eyes.

"Holy shit" Harry whispered, still staring ahead.

"You go ahead now Harry" said arthur, giving Harry a push.

"ow, you hurt my back" Harry said, giving him an evil glare "you are going to pay for what you did to me, I vow this." Arthur looked like he had weed himself. Harry stood in the fire place, grabbed a handful of floo powder and tried to say Diagon alley, but because the soot from the fire place got in his mouth, he couldn't say it right.

"D-a-goo-alley" he coughed before he was sucked into the firepalce and came flying out off another one which was inside a very creepy shop filled with things so evil that if you would look at them, you would be traumatised for life.

"Wow, I don't remember seeing this place when I first came to Diagon alley" Harry muttered as he went to look out the window to see a place he did not recognise. It was filled with the most discusting people that harry had ever come across in his twelve long years, people were picking their noses, an old hag was sucking her toes and all this made Harry shudder. Dusting his glasses, he opened the door and stepped out of the evil shop and into the eviler street.

"Where the blast am I?" Harry muttered "this isn't the Diagon alley I remember." Suddenly, he felt someone grab his arm, it was the hag who had been sucking her toes.

"Are you lost deary?" she asked in a voice which sounded like a broken record mixed with a sore throat.

"No, I'm fine" Harry replied but the old hag was dragging him to a group of dodgy looking wizards.

"If you're lost, then these seemingly innocent looking paedophiles who are not so innocent will help you find your way to where you are going" the hag said.

"Fuck off" shouted harry just as he heard a voice he was most glad to hear.

"Harry, what the hell are you doing down here?" Harry looked and saw Hagrid coming towards him.

"Leave him alone you peadophiles" Hagrid told the dodgy looking wizards as he dragged Harry away and into Diagon alley.

"Harry, why the hell where you in knockturn alley, that place is full of peadophiles and many other dodgy kinds of people" hagrid said as they walked down Diagon alley.

"I got lost, I came by floo powder and I think I said the words wrong, but why were you down there" he eyed hagrid suspiciously "you're not a peadophile too are you?" Hagrid gave Harry the most strangest lookever.

"Harry, you've known me since your first year at Hogwarts, how could you say such things" hagrid said.

"I'm sorry, I'm just traumatised" Harry replied "I don't think I'll ever get over it, I will be having nightmares for the rest of my life." The two of them continued on their way down the street when Hermione Granger came running out of the nearest book shop, her frizzy hair flying behind her.

"Harry, Hagrid, hello" she squealed as she ran over to them and hugged Harry.

"Erm, Hiya Hermione" Harry said as Hermione finally let go of him "how was your summer?"

"Oh my god it was totally amazing, me and my parents went on Holiday to Paris and it was really really amazing, did you know that my parents are muggles and that they are dentists, anyway, we spend an entire two weeks at disney land and I threw up on space mountain, it was amazing, how was your summer?" Hermione said in a rather fast pace.

"Well I got beaten up by Dudley three times a day, I lived on their leftovers and I got locked in my bedroom but I was rescued by the Weasleys and spend the rest of the summer at their's" Harry stated.

"Oh speaking of the Weasleys, they are in there and they have been really worried about you" Hermione said, indicating to the book shop she had just run out of "and Gilderoy lockhart is signing autographs."

"Who the hell is he?" Harry asked with a strange expression on his face.

"You've never heard of Gilderoy Lockhart, he's only the most atractive wizard ever and he's written about a million of his own biographys" Hermione said in shock horror. Before harry could say anything else, Hermione grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the book shop she had ran out off and harry was greeted by the weasley's

"Oh Harry we was so worried about you, where did you end up?" Molly Weasley asked as she dusted him off in a motherly fashion.

"Knockturn alley" Harry replied.

"What, that place were the peadophile wizards hang out?" Ron asked. Harry nodded just as a midget took his place at the front of the book shop.

"Ok ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, the moment you've all been waiting for, here he is the man himself,Gilderoy Lockhart." The whole shop, burst into an applaud as a really attractive looking wizard came up onto the stage, this was Gilderoy Lockhart. He had really bright blonde hair which looked like it had been washed at least twice a day and perfect teeth. Hermione gasped when he appeared and swooned but no one noticed.

"Mum fancies him" Ron told Harry.

"She's not the only one" Harry said, indicating to Hermione who was still passed out on the floor. The midget was now taking pictures of Lockhart who was doing some sexy poses.

"Oh fashion!" he sang as he did a hands on the hips pose before noticing Harry amongst the crowd "oh my word, it's harry Potter." Before harry could react, the Midget who was half his size,grabbed Harry by the wrist and dragged him up on the stage.

"Come on harry old boy, nice big smile" Lockhart said as he put his arm round Harry's shoulders "you and me are worth the front page." Harry reluctanlty smiled as the midget who we shall call Marvin McMuffin took a picture before Lochart addressed the audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, what a wonderful day this is,when I was about to sign out autographs I discovered that the famous harry potter had come along, so I'm going to give him free copies of all the books I have ever written" and he dumped at least a million books into Harry's arms "oh another thing, I have decided to teach Defense agaisnt the dark arts at Hogwarts this year."

"Is he?" Hermione asked as she finally came round.

"Now run along Harry and I'll see you soon" Lockhart said as he gave Harry a slight push.

"You're creepy" Harry muttered before he made his way back to the Weasley's and tipped the books into Ginny's cauldron.

"You can have these" he said "so you won't have to buy any."

"Thankyou darling" Said Ginny, battering her eye-lids at him.

"Come on, let's get out of here, it's mad in here" Ron said. Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione were making their way towards the entrance when they were confronted by none other than Draco malfoy.

"I bet you loved that didn't you potter" he sneered before speaking in a mocking like voice "oh, I'm harry potter, I'm famous because I defeated a really evil wizard when I was a year old and now I'm having my picture taken with some douchebag who writes books because I'm oh so famous."

"Leave him alone" Ginny hissed "he didn't want all that." Draco looked down at the little weasley girl and chuckled.

"Oh look, you've got yourself a girlfriend potter" He sneered. Just then, a man who looked like an older version of Draco appeared, this was his father, Lucius malfoy.

"Now now Draco, play nicely will you" he said in a sinister tone before turning his attention to Harry "so Mr Potter, we meet at last."

"yeah, what of it" Harry stated. Lucius simply chuckled at looked at Harry's scar on his forehead.

"You're scar is a legend, as is the wizard who gave it to you" Lucius stated.

"VOLDEMORT KILLED MY PARENTS" Harry yelled. The whole shop went into panic mode after he had said Voldemort.

"Damn, I said that name again didn't I?" Harry asked. Hermione nodded slowly.

"Damn my speech" Harry said.

"So , Mr Potter, what is it like being famous?" Lucius asked. Harry pulled himself away from Lucius and looked him dead in the eye.

"Mr Malfoy, I am only going to ask you this once, do you or do you not, know about the bird?" Harry asked. Lucius looked at Harry with confusion.

"That doesn't really answer my question, what are you talking about?" Lucius asked.

"Because everybody knows that the bird is the word." Suddenly, Music blasted out from everywhere and Harry started singing and dancing.

"Ba ba ba ba bird bird bird, the bird is the word, ba ba ba ba bird bird bird, the bird is the word, well don't you know about the bird, well Harry's gonna tell you about the bird, ba ba ba ba bird bird bird, the bird is the word, surfiiiiiin bird." Everybody stared at Harry like he was mental and Harry realised he had made a complete fool of himself.

"Dude, that was random" Ron pointed out. Marvin McMuffin had unfortunatly, recorded Harry on a video camera and announced he was going to put it up on youtube which he did and it got two thousand and one million hits.

"Right, shall we all get our stuf for Hogwarts then" Said Arthur, acting like nothing had happened just then.

"Err, yeah" said Harry awkwardly. Meanwhile, Lucius had slipped a sinister looking black book into Little Ginny's cauldron when she wasn't looking and walked away, chuckling evily.


	6. Attack of the whomping willow

Attack of the whomping willow

It had been one week since the Weasleys and Harry went back to Diagon alley, Harry had put his random outburst that he did in the book shop behind him,Ron spend the rest of the holidays playing dress up and wearing makeup and asked Harry to wear one of molly's dresses for a day.

"I don't know, it's not really me" Harry said as he looked at the purple dress with the flowers on "I'm not really a dress kind of person because I'm a boy."

"Oh go on harry, just do it for a laugh" Ron said. After Ron had pestered Harry for an hour, he eventually gave in and soon found himself wearing the dress and a straw hat to go with it.

"It suits you" Ron giggled "you look adorable."

"Someone kill me" Harry muttered.

"Gladly" said Voldemort who had randomly appeared.

"Piss off, you're not supposed to be here" Harry spat.

"I will get you potter, just you wait" Voldemort warned before dissapearing back to the gates of hell before re-appearing again "oh and I forgot to tell you, my sixteen year old self is going to make little Ginny weasley open the chamber of secrets and set the basilisk on muggle borns by using a black dairy, ha, how about that."

"You do know that you've just spoilt the plot" Ron said, taking out a rifle "and for this, I will shoot you." Voldemort vanished so we can now get back to the story.

On the night before they were due to leave for hogwarts, Harry and the weasley family had an all night party.

"Yeehaw, I am the greatest dude ever to exist, I am the king of dudes, I am the dude master, oh yeah,never mess with the best dude in the world." Ron yelled , running around with his shirt off and waving his shirt in the air. At one point, the twins dared Ron to run around outside starkers.

"No" Ron snapped as he put his shirt back on. The next morning, everybody had slept in because they were up all night partying and they only had thirty minutes to get ready and to the train station to catch the hogwarts train. Ginny had fallen asleep in her porridge and percy had to poke her in the ribs with his wand to wake her up.

"Can I just sleep a little longer" she moaned "god, I wish I didn't stay up all night." Arthur picked her up by the waist and threw her into the ford Anglia which I shall call Angie. Everybody was running around like headless chicken and Molly was complaining.

"Why did we have to party all night,we are never going to get there in time, I am so panicky right now, oh my god did I flush the toilet, did I leave the oven on or off, where is my purse, who left that sock out of the wash basket, will someone sort Ginny's stuff out, Ronald stop running with scissors, god I am so warn out." Arthur slapped her round the face to calm her down but this had made things worse.

"Why did you do that, shouldn't you be helping me out, go and sort them lot out so I can complain." Molly had complained all the way to the Train station and was still complaining whilst they were there. The kids were having enough of her so they went through the barrier, except for ron and Harry who were finding the whole thing amusing then Molly and Arthur had to go through the barrier to give Ginny her barbie doll collection she was taking with her.

"We better get going or we'll miss the train"Harry said. Ron nodded in agreement and the two boys grabbed onto their Trolleys, ran towards the wall between nine and ten but instead of going through it, they crashed straight into it.

"Ow, I think I've punctured a lung" Ron moaned as he clutched his chest.

"I think I've ruptured my appendix" Harry added.

"I think I'm suffering from permanent brain damage" said Ron. Harry gave Ron the evils.

"Shut up, no you're not" Harry yelled.

"Ok, so I'm not" Ron Replied "but I think I might have torn a legiment."

"Arrrrghhhhhhhhh" Harry yelled, slapping his forehead.

"Blimey Harry, what's got into you, you weren't like this last year" Ron said.

"I'm slowly developing teenage hormones" Harry replied "youll understand when you're my age."

"But, I'm the same age as you dude" Ron replied.

"Oh yeah" Harry replied "but you will soon experience teenage hormones."

"That makes me very nervous" Ron replied.

"Oi, what do you two hooligans think you're doing." It was the big beefy guard who was sarcastic towards Harry when he asked him where to find platform nine and three quarters the year before.

"Sorry, the trolleys went out of control" Harry said as he rubbed his sides "you fat bastard."

"I'm keeping my eye on you" the Guard said, pointing at Harry "I remember you, the nutter from last year." He walked away just as Ron mananged to compose himself.

"Why can't we get through the damn thing?" Harry demanded.

"How the hell should I know" Ron replied back "it sealed itself for some reason."

"Arrrgh" Harry yelled as he kicked the wall "what are we going to do know." Suddenly, Ron had an idea.

"I have an idea" Ron announced "let's fly Angie to Hogwarts."

"Who is Angie?" Harry asked.

"The car doofy" Ron said, back handing Harry round the back of the head.

"Ow" said Harry, rubbing the back of his head "that hurt." Five minutes later, both of the boys were flying the blue car and stupidly forgotten to make it invisble so a lot of muggles had seen it flying.

"I'm hungry" said Harry.

"Ah, I have that sorted" Ron announced "accio munchies." Soon, Angie was filled with all kinds of Munchies.

"Now this is what I call a feast" Harry said as he picked up a bag of doritoes.

"I'm having some pie" said Ron as he picked up a piece of blueberry pie " hey harry, be a mate and pass me some of that cool hwip."

"What?" Harry asked, staring at Ron.

"You can't have a pie without cool hwip" said Ron.

"Do you mean cool whip?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, cool hwip, you can't have a pie without cool hwip" Ron continued.

"What" Harry said "why are you putting so much empathis on the H?" Ron ate some pie.

"I was just saying pie goes well with cool hwip" Ron replied with his mouth full of pie.

"Ok" Harry sighed "say cool."

"cool" said Ron.

"Now say Whip" Harry ordered.

"Whip" said Ron obediently.

"Now put those two words together" Harry said.

"Cool Hwip" said ron.

"Arrrrghhhhhhh" Harry yelled in annoyance "you idiot, just say it properly."

"Cool hwip" said Ron.

"Cool whip, it's cool whip, god, how many times to I have to tell you." He back handed Ron round the back of the head "let's just shut up about it and follow the train to Hogwarts."

"Ok" said Ron, rubbing the back of his head.

"Ok, let's see if we can see the train" Harry said " that way if we follow it, we won't get lost."

"I see it" Ron pointed out happily, pointing to the train which was going along like a great big red snake.

"Oooooooooh" said Ron in awe "it's a beauty."

"It's only a train" Harry sighed.

"Fine" said Ron, throwing his arms up in protest.

"If we follow the train, we'll be at hogwarts in no time then we can, are you paying any attention to me." Ron was day dreaming out of the window instead of paying attention to Harry who had to whack him on the back of the head with a magazine to get his attention.

"Ow, Jesus Harry, what is the matter with you?" Ron demanded furiously.

"I was just saying that we'll be at hogwarts in no time if we follow the train" Harry replied impatiently.

"Sorry, I have a short attention span" Ron replied.

"No you don't" harry said.

"I developed it after we crashed into the barrier" Ron replied. Harry looked at Ron in a very weird way. So, they followed the train and soon found themselves flying towards hogwarts, a castle that was shaped like a tortoise.

" Sweet home hoggy hogwarts, we're coming home to you" Ron and Harry sang "sweet home hoggy hogwarts,oh we're coming home to you." They were too busy happily singing that they didn't notice that the car was almost out of gas and they only noticed when they crashed into some random tree.

"Why do we have to keep crashing into things today" Ron moaned "if this keeps up, I am going to be suffering from internal organ injury." Before Harry could reply to that commwent, the tree that they had hit was begining to beat the crap out of Angie with Harry and Ron inside it.

"Ahhhhhhh, what is that?" Ron yelled.

"It's that bloody tree thingy majig" Harry replied "it's beating the shit out of the car with us inside it."

"Oh, I'm scared" Ron yelled, throwing his amrs round harry " protect me Harry, you are so brave." Harry simply shoved him off and told him to stop behaving like a complete girl. After one last hit, the car also known as Angie plummeted to the ground and Harry and Ron were thrown out and onto the wet grass. The car made rude gestures towards the two boys before driving off into the forbidden forest to live in the wild.

" Dad is going to kill me" Ron moaned.

"Be thankful you survived the crash" Harry pointed out.

"Yeah but I think that event will traumatise me for life" Ron said as he rubbed his back "this is the worst day of my life."

"And it's about to get worser" came a sinister voice from behind them. Harry and Ron both turned around to see Proffersor snape stood behind them,looking evil.

"Yipes" Ron muttered. Snape looked at them both and smirked in a very creepy way.

"Follow me boys" he said in a voice which made Ron squeak in terror. Harry gave Ron a push as they followed sinister snape into Hogwarts castle.

"Proffersor, are you taking us into the great hall for the feast?" Ron asked hopefully. Snape turned to face Ron and gave him the most evilist smirk ever.

"No, I am not Mr weasley" he said before turning his sinister smirk into a snarl "now shut up and follow me." Ron gulped and hung his head down in shame whilst Harry just acted normal because he wasn't scared of snape like Ron was. Snape led the boys into the dark and most discusting dungeon ever.

"Ok, into my office" he ordered "now!"

"Mmmmmm" Ron whimpered. Harry pushed Ron into the office and followed him in with snape.

"Sit" Snape barked, pointing at two chairs.

"Ahem, we are not dogs, we are human beings if you care to take any notice" Harry said with pure attitude. Snape calmly walked up to him and grabbed the collar of his shirt.

"I suggest you keep that cheeky attitude to yourself mr potter" Snape said in a threatening manner "now, I see that you two boys couldn't be bothered to catch the train so you decided to arrive a different way, what is the matter Mr potter, are you too good to catch the hogwarts expresso so you thought you'd both arrive with a bang."

"It wasn't our fault, the barrier at king's cross wouldn't let us through" Ron said in a shaky voice.

"LIES" Snape screamed, banging his fist on the table. Ron wet himself.

"It's true sir" Harry said.

"LIAR" Snape screamed again "YOU TWO ARE GOING HOME TONIGHT ON THE TRAIN, NOW COLLECT YOUR STUFF, LEAVE THIS SCHOOL AND NEVER RETURN, YOU USED MAGIC TO FLY A CAR WHICH IS ILLEGAL OUTSIDE THESE SCHOOL GROUNDS, YOU WERE SEEN BY A MILLION MUGGLES AND YOU DAMAGED THE WHOMPING WILLOW WHICH COST US MILLIONS TO INSTALL."

"I think it did more damage to us" Ron whimpered.

"SILENCE, NOW GO AND GET ON THE TRAIN BECAUSE YOU ARE BOTH EXPELLED."

"No they are not" came a croaky voice. Harry and Ron turned around to find stood there, proffesor Dumbledore, an old wizard who had a frog like voice and was the headmaster of hogwarts. With him was McGonogal, secret lover of Dumbledore and deputy headmistress of hogwarts, unbeknowest to the whole school, Dumbledore and McGonogal got married during the holidays but it was kept secret as they both didn't want to ruin their reputation.

"Please explain why you did this?" Dumbledore asked.

"It wasn't our fault" Harry said "the barrier wouldn't let us through and we had no option but to use the car."

"I see" replied Mcgonogall as she eyed Harry suspisciously "but why didn't you sent us a letter with your owl Mr Potter and inform us of the situation."

"Hedwig the 1st has gone on vacation and won't be back until the end of the week" Harry replied.

"I see" said McGonogal again "but what you have both done is very serious so I'll be writing to both of your families and you will both receive detention."

"You're not going to exspell us" Ron said in his hopeful voice .

"Not today but if you both put another toe outo f line then I will have no choice but to exspell you both" McGonogal said.

"It's not fair" Snape whined "I wanted to punish them."

"It's not your decision snape, they are not in your house" Dumbledore said sternly "now let us go the great hall and finish the feast."

"Great, delicious pumpkin pies and icecream, here I come" said Ron.

"No, you two will eat here and go straight to bed" McGonogal said "accio crappy sandwichs." A huge pile of crappy sandwichs appeared on a plate and the three teachers left for the feast, leaving Ron and Harry to eat the crappy sandwichs.

"Can you believe our luck" said Ron as he reached for a sandwich "I thought we was going to die."

"You're over reacting" Harry replied. Ron noticed an answering machine on Snape's desk.

"hey, what is that?" he asked, pointing at the answering machine.

"I think it's an answering machine" Harry replied.

"Wow, I didn't know snape owned a muggle device" Ron said in amazement.

"Me neither, hey put it on and let's listen to his messages" Harry suggested.

"Happy to" Ron replied as he switched on the answering machine which sprang to life.

"_Hello, you've reached serverus snape on 55-0103, please leave a message at the beep_ beep,_hello serverus, it's me serverus, reminding you to hate all houses except your own and take points from those other houses for no reason _beep,_hello you've reached serverus snape on 55-0103,please leave a message at the beep_ beep,_hello serverus, it's me, serverus, reminding you to remove the porkchops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they'll defrost properly, do not dissapoint me."_ Harry and Ron both looked at each other and cackled.

"He sends messages to himself, he must be stranger than I thought" Harry chuckled. They had relunctantly eaten about ten crappy sandwichs before McGonogal came back to escort them to Gryffindor tower.

"Now, remember that you both will be getting a detention" she said before leaving them outside the portrait of paris hilton which led into the Gryffinodr common room.

"Password cutie" she asked.

"Erm, fashion babes, hot mommas" Ron said, confused.

"No, that's wrong handsome" Paris hilton replied.

"Oh no" said Ron dramaticly "we don't know the password,we can't get into the common room, we'll have to sleep out in the corridor, do you have any sleeping bags?"

"Calm down you plonker, we just need find some gryffindor student passing by and ask them the password" Replied Harry who was remaining calm about the whole situation.

"Wait, I think I see someone who I think is a gryffindor" Ron said but then he realised that it was Hermione "oh it's only Hermione, nothing important."

"That's charming" Hermione replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice "but just to let you know that me and you will both be married at end of the seventh book."

"SPOILERS,SPOILERS" yelled a bunch of anti-spoiler fans who hadn't yet read the seventh book and who hated having big surprises about the furture books being revealed way too early. They punished Hermione by making her eat….. cake.

"No not cake, anything but cake, I don't want to fill my system with ten thousand calories, I'm on a calorie free diet." They fed her the dreaded cake.

"Ok" said Harry rather slowly "very random."

"So, what's the password,oh furture wife?" Ron asked with sarcasm.

"Never mind that now, what on earth were you thinking, flying a car to hogwarts" Hermione lectured.

"Oh stop with you're boring lectures" Ron snapped "What is the password to get into the common room."

"It's hot hunks" Hermione said "but I still want to lecture you both." The paris hilton portrait swung open and the three of them stepped in. Apparently, somehow, the whole of Gryffindor had found out about Harry and Ron's entrance because they were now surrounding them with excitement.

"How did you do it, that was awesome" Said seamus Finnigan, a boy in their year. Harry looked and saw Percy walking towards them with a I'm-coming-to-tell-you-off-big-time kind of face.

"Sorry, but we're tired" Said Harry.

"Yeah" added Ron who was also wanting to avoid the wrath of percy. They both went into their dormitry and flopped out onto their beds.

"Wow, how eventful was today" said Ron.

"I know" replied Harry "maybe we should do it again one day."

"Yeah,in about, a hundred years" Ron replied "never again in my opion."

"Hey look on the bright side, at least we didn't get expelled" Harry pointed out.

"Yeah, maybe you're right" Ron replied before falling asleep. With nothing to do himself, Harry fell asleep too.


	7. mutant babies and hyper blue pixies

Mutant babies, hyper blue pixies and cheese?

The next day at Hogwarts was just like any other day you'd expect to see at Hogwarts, right now, the entire school was in the great hall for their morning breakfast and Dumbledore had become addicted to fast food so the whole school was at the moment,feasting on pizza huts, KFCs, burger kings and McDonalds.

"Oh big mac, where have you been all my life?" Ron said as he devoured his first ever big mac.

"Hey, you're wand is shooting fireworks from it's end" said a random Gryffindor student, pointing at Ron's wand.

"No freaking way" Ron yelled as he yanked out his wand to find it almost snapped in half and shooting multi-coloured sparks from it's end.

"How did my wand get like this?" Ron moaned.

"Maybe it happened after we crashed into that whomping willow" Harry replied "you were too busy being a wimp to notice."

"That's all I need" Ron moaned. Harry simply shrugged before noticing some weirdo little kid taking photos of him.

"What the hell, stop doing that." The little kid put the camera down and grinned insanely at harry.

"Hiya Harry, I'm Colin creevey, I'm your biggest fan, I'm going to spend the majority of the story stalking you like the obsessive fan I am, taking pictures of you and generally bugging you in any that I can." said the little first year Gryffindor boy.

"Oh great, that's what I've always wanted, my biggest fan following me around all day long and taking my pictures" Harry said in a slight sarcastic tone "it's just what I've always wanted."

"Yay, I love it when you're sarcastic" said Colin as he yet again photo. Suddenly, Ron weasley's owl, Errol came flying towards Ron, dropped a red envelope on his head before passing out on the table, having some kind of seizure then soiling itself. Ron picked up red envelope and his face turned a shade of white.

"What's the matter with you?" Harry asked "you're looking at it like it's a bomb or something."

"It's it's it's…" Ron whimpered.

"A Howler" said Neville longbottom in a dramatic voice "I got one from gran but I ignored it. I've regretted it ever since."

"mmmmmmm" Ron whimpered "I can't do it, I can't open it."

"You best open it Ron" Neville pointed out "you'll regret it if you don't, you'll be traumatised for life, you'll attempt suicide, you'lll….."

"That's enough Neville" Hermione stated. With his hands shaky and sweaty, Ron opened the howler and Molly weasley's angry voice erupted from it.

"RONALD BILL ANGUS FRANK FRODO GANDALF KEVIN MICHEAL DAVID JIMMY VINNIE PAUL STUART JOHN JAMES WEASLEY, HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT PRECIOUS CAR OF OURS, I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY VERY ANGRY WITH YOU, NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS HAVE I KNOWN MY YOUNGEST BOY TO DO SUCH AN AWFUL THING, WHEN I FOUND THAT CAR GONE I HAD A HEART ATTACK AND HAD TO BE BOUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY YOUR FATHER WHO IS NOW HAVING THE BIGGEST TELLING OFF AT WORK AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU MY BOY, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE WEASLEY FAMILY, I DREAD TO THINK WHAT YOU'LL BE LIKE IN TEN YEARS TIME,GOODNESS ME RONALD I AM VERY DISAPOINTED IN YOU, IF YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN, WE WILL DISOWN YOU,NOW PISS OFF AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER CONTACTING ME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS STORY BECAUSE I WILL HAVE FORGIVEN YOU BY THE THIRD BOOK OK, YOU GOT THAT THICK BRAIN,GOOD." The letter burst into flames and Ron said there with the expression that he had just wet himself.

"I really need to see my bladder doctor" Ron said "me wetting myself is just getting plain ridiculas."

After the howler incident, the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins were heading to their first ever lesson of the year, Herbology.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaay" Gilderoy lockhart sang as he strode through the castle grounds wearing bright blue robes.

"Welcome to creep city" Harry muttered as he entered greenhouse three. Their teacher was a scruffy woman called Proffesor sprout.

"Alright you second years,gather around the long table and listen to my voice" she ordered.

"Like we have a choice" said Draco malfoy.

"Ok, today we are repotting mandrakes, also known as grotesque mutant babies" Sprout explained "now, I must advise everyone to wear these earmuffs as our grotesque muntant babies have ever so powerful cries that will knock you out for twenty four hours but if they were adults, the cries will kill you so beware my children, beware, bwuahahahahaha, anyway, let's get down to buisness,grab the top of your mandrake and pull it out. You must remember to be really rough as you can, if you are too gentle they won't come out and i will beat the person to a pulp if they are too gentle with their mandrake."

"That's a bit harsh" Harry mumbled.

"Silence, I am the teacher, do as say or FACE MY WRATH" Sprout bellowed. Harry looked at Ron, who looked at Hermione, who looked at seamus,who looked at Neville who looked back at Ron, who looked at Harry, who looked at Sprout.

"Do as I say" she yelled "If anyone needs me, i'll be sitting on that really comfortable deck chair and watch you all do the hard work, muhahahahahahahahahahahaha."

The students pulled out the mandrakes out of their pots and they were the most grostesque looking babies you had ever seen. Neville had become serverely traumatised by their appearance that he passed out onto the floor.

"Neville has been neglecting his earmuffs I see" said Sprout,shaking her head in dispair.

"No, he just fainted" seamus pointed out "he is a very sensitive young man you know."

"Fine, let's leave him there because he isn't important" Replied Sprout. After the herbology lesson, the second years where making their way to defense against the dark arts and Harry was being bothered by Colin Creevey.

"la la la, I am taking pictures of harry potter la loo loo" he sang. Harry pounded him to the ground before continuing on his journey to defense against the dark arts.

"God that creevey kid is annoying" said harry as he took his seat next to Ron.

"tell me about it" the red headed boy replied. Pretty soon, Lockhart walked in, dressed in his blue attire and sporting a pair of ipod earplugs in his ears.

"shut up and put you're money were you mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in vegas, get up and shake the glitter of your clothes now" he sang happily as he entered the classroom before notcing the enire class staring at him in the oddest way ever "oh hello" he took his ear phones out "so sorry, I forgot you was here, now to buisness, as you know that I am your new defense agaisnt the dark arts teacher."

"Oh isn't he dreamy" Hermione sighed.

"So true" added a random red headed girl who was sat next to her.

"Right, I have a special treat for you today, I have bought something to show you and I must advise you all no to scream" he warned.

"I am the greatest sorceror in the world, all will kneel before my presence" yelled a painting of sauron from the back of the room.

"Oh, pay no attention to that picture, I am the important one here, pay attention to me, give me the attention,not some painting" Lockhart said "obey my commands." He got a gathering of strange looks from the students except for Hermione who was staring at him dreamily.

"So what do you have to show us then?" Hermione asked.

"Ah, I'm glad you asked miss granger because here they are" he pulled a blanket off a cage which contain a bunch of blue pixies.

"Huh huh huh, cornish pixies" Seamus said goofily.

"Freshly caught cornish pixies" Lockhart announced "and I must want you that at the moment that they are on full sugar rush but I'm going to let them out anyways." He was true to his word and he realised the really hyper active pixies onto the class and soon they were going on the rampage. Two of them had grabbed Neville by the ears and hung him up onto the chandlier above,Malfoy was swung around by the ears by another two before throwing him head first out of the window. He landed with a satisfying thud.

"Now now, come on, they are only pixies,it can't be that difficult to round them up" Lockhart yelled "so I'm going to just shut myself in my office while you three round them all up and put them back." He pointed at Harry, Ron and Hermione before taking refuge in his office and reading a book on how to be the perfect fraud.

"What a coward" Yelled Ron as he wrestled off a pixie that was bungee jumping from his head.

"I know, Isn't he amazing" Hermione pointed out excitedly.

"Have you taken your medication today?" Harry asked her as he carried seven struggling pixies back to the cage.

"I sense sarcasm" Hermione replied as a pixie got hold of a can of silly string and sprayed it in her hair.

"Help, someone get me down" Neville shouted "I hate heights." The three ingnored him and carried on gathering up the last of the hyper pixies and Harry was thinking about…cheese.

"I wonder what kind of cheese tastes better, full fat cheese with all the calories or the fat free cheese that has no calories, I might have to seek out those two kind of cheeses and see which one tastes the best, I could really do with some cheese on toast right now, I love cheese on toast."

It had been almost an hour until they had finally managed to gather up all the pixies and put them back into the cage. Lockhart came out of his office still reading the how to be the perfect fraud book.

"Oh, the best way to be the perfect fraud is to tell people that you had a fight with a gang of werewolfs single handed and….." he realised that the three second years where still in the room so he quickly threw the book to the other side "erm, pay no attention to the book I was just reading,Ah I see that you have put those pixies back into their cages, ok you can go now, I have some important stuff to attend to, go on, shoo." He put in his ear plugs and started dancing away.

"That is the biggest creep I have ever seen in my whole life" Harry said as they headed down the corridor.

"You're telling me, did you see the way he was dancing when he came in" Ron replied. Hermione burped in a not very lady like fashion.

"Anyway, I'm off to go hunt for some cheese, you two fancy joining me in a fantastic hunt for cheese?" Harry asked.

"I'm in" Ron announced "I love cheese."

"I'm not, I hate cheese, cheese makes me fat in five seconds, I'm off to be boring plain Hermione" Hermione said before heading of to the library.

"Ok, guess it's just you and me pal, let's go find some cheese" Harry said.

"Ok then" Ron replied. They went hunting for cheese, Lockhart was dancing around the classroom, Malfoy suffered a broken nose from when he was thrown out of the window,Hermione ate a pie and the whole school exploded…not!.

"If the whole school exploded, we wouldn't have a story" Harry pointed out "and that's not good for my reputation."

"Harry harry, I found the cheese" Ron yelled as he came running towards Harry, carrying several blocks of cheese.

"Yay" Harry cheered "now we shall smuggle this back into the Gryffindor common room and have a secret cheese feast."

"Yay" Ron cheered then began dancing around singing "cheese feast, cheese feast,cheese feast." So they went back to the common room, had a cheese feast and went to sleep.


	8. Slugs and disembodied voices

Slugs and disembodied voices

Harry was woken up at four am the next morning by the Gryffindor qudditch team captain, Oliver wood.

"Come on, up with you Harry, we've got some qudditch practice to do" he said in a way showing that he was wide awake and ready for almost anything at four o clock in the morning.

"Mmmmm, wood, it's way too early" Harry grumbled as he looked at his watch "can't you wait until eight o clock or something?"

"No I can't, I've decided that we are doing even harder training than last year, so come on Harry, up and at em my boy." He yanked Harry's sheets off him. Grumpily, Harry changed into his qudditch robes before going to meet up with the rest of the qudditch team when he ran into none other than colin creevey with his camera at the ready.

"yes yes yes yes oh yes" said Colin as he clicked away with his camera "I'm taking pictures of Harry potter in his qudditch robes, can I come and watch you do qudditch harry?"

"Go back to bed" Harry hissed. Colin vapourised into oblivion. Harry met up with the team who were all so grumpy about being woke up at four am. Oliver wood however, was a lot more chirpier than the rest of them. He must have drunk a load of coffee.

"Ok men" he announced.

"and girls" spat Angelina Johnson "you sexist." Wood ignored her.

"As from now, we are doing even harder training than last year,from now on every Wednesday morning, I will be waking you up at four am for qudditch training." Severals groans filled the room.

"SILENCE OR FACE MY WRATH" Wood shouted. They obeyed.

"Ahem, ok, so get your broomsticks and we shall beginning our five hour training session." More groans. Wood unleashed his horrifying wrath upon them so they shut up.

Five hours later.

"Man, I'm knackered" Harry said. Wood was making the weasley twins do push ups because they had spend the entire training session goofing around.

"One hundred and three" said George weasley.

"One hunded and four" said Fred weasley.

"Move on with it" yelled wood, "we've got another five hours training session and we won't get anywhere if you two quit mucking about." The twins had done almost eight hundred push ups. Wood was about to begin another five hour training session when he noticed the Slytherin qudditch team, dressed in their qudditch robes.

"What the Dumbledore mrs norris suicide playstation two nintendo DSI and one million chocolate frogs is this?" wood demanded as he marched his way up to the slytherin team until he was face to face with the slytherin captain, Marcus flint who was two inches taller than wood and had a remarkable resembelence to a beaver.

"What in the mother of all jellybeans do you think you're doing flint?" Wood demanded with great fury "can't you see that I've booked the pitch for training today, so you lot can piss off."

"Oh noes, I sense trouble" Ron weasley said. He and Hermione had spend the last two hours watching them so they went along to the pitch to see what was going on.

"Snape gave us permission to do training today" Flint said "so we can train our new seeker."

"Oh I see, you've got a new seeker" Wood said with mock interest "who is he or she." The slytherins all parted to reveal the new slytherin seeker….Draco malfoy.

"You" said Harry in horror.

"Well what did you expect, a plum" Malfoy stated with pure sarcasm "and check out our new nimbus 2001 bm6s, my father bought them specially our team and he also bought me a nintendo DSI, a DSI XL, a psp, an x- box, a gamecube, an x-box 360, all three playstations,ten plasma screen tvs,a laptop with broadband,a kareoke machine and a hamster that I call mister snookums."

"Cough, spoilt brat cough" Ron muttered.

"You know what you are Draco malfoy" Hermione announced "you're a bigger show off than you let on, you are an arrogant spoilt brat with no sense of humor and possibily may be bipolar and you use so much hair gel that your brain must be inactive, you have bad taste in fashion, your teeth are slightly crooked, you look like a rat, your father looks like a dumb blonde as you do to, you smell like swiss cheese which has been shut in a dark room for six years,you haven't got the x factor and you will never get the x factor. You are a smelly horrid little boy and you are the weakest link,goodbye." The Gryffindor qudditch team and Ron applauded. Malfoy however didn't find it amusing.

"How dare you say such things to me, you wretched filthy mudblood" he snarled. Suddenly the whole pitch fell silent.

"Alright malfoy" Ron said as he rolled his sleeves back and pointing his wand at malfoy "it's time for you be taught a lesson, eat slugs." Unforunatly, Ron's wand was still in a malfunctioning state that it hit Ron instead of malfoy. The red head was thrown back five feet across the pitch. The qudditch team and Hermione ran towards him as the slytherin team cackled evily.

"Are you ok Ron?" Harry asked as he knelt beside his best friend who was crouched on his hands and knees "speak to me." Ron tried to say something but instead of words, several fat slugs came pouring out of his mouth. More laughs could be heard from the slytherins.

"Oh no, he's possesed" Harry yelled then proceeded to throw holy water on Ron "be gone from him foul demon, the power of christ compells you,the power of christ compells you."

"Come on Ron" said Hermione as she helped him to his feet,ignoring Harry's outburst "let's get you hagrid's, it's nearer."

"Bleurgh" Ron said as he vomited more slugs. Malfoy was having a laughing fit, he passed out and had to be carried to the Hospital wing by the slytherin team. Meanwhile, Harry, Ron and Hermione were all in hagrid's hut. Ron had a sick bucket plonked on his knee.

"Get them all up Ron" Hagrid instructed "better out than it." Ron vomited more slugs.

"It was malfoy who was supposed to be vomiting slugs, not me" Ron moaned weakly.

"What is he talking about?" hagrid asked.

"Ron tried to curse Malfoy with the slug vomiting cures but his wand is retarded so it backfired onto Ron instead" Harry replied.

"But why on earth did you attempt to curse malfoy?" Hagrid asked.

"Because he called me a mudblood" Hermione said.

"Ah I see" said Hagrid.

"What is a mudblood anyway?" Harry asked "I've never heard of one before."

"It's a really foul, discusting name for a wizard of witch who is muggle born" Hermione explained "It's sort of racist and it's really really foul."

"Well Don't you think about it Hermione, don't you think about it for one second" hagrid advised "that Draco malfoy is not worth worrying about, he's just one of them people who thinks he is better than everyone else because he is a pureblood and some pureblood wizarding families who think they are better than muggleborn witches and wizards."

"Well it is Malfoy isn't it" Harry pointed out "and I bet his dad is the same as him, no infact I know he is excatly like,he is like Draco."

"I couldn't bleurgh agree more" Ron said as he vomited more slugs. Hagrid turned his attention back to Hermione, not-in-a-peadophile-kind-of-way thankyou very much.

"Just ignore that spoilt brat" Hagrid advised "Hakuna matata." The three second year Gryffindors all stared at him as he burst into song "it's my problem free, philosophy,hakuna matata, ahem, so any way,you guys wana see my awesome pumpkins."

"yeah" Said Harry.

"Bleurgh" Said Ron.

"Ok" said Hermione. Hagrid led them all outside to his pumpkin patch. The pumpkins where the size of beach balls.

"Wow, they are amazing" Said Hermione.

"I know they are"admitted hagrid proudly "and every halloween night, I sit in the pumpkin patch and wait for the great pumpkin to rise from the pumpkin patch, he's kind of like father Christmas but comes on halloween instead of Christmas."

"Ok" said Harry "I see that you desperatly need to get laid, big time."

"I've got laid plenty of times young man" hagrid bellowed " I'm just that kind of person who beliefs in father christmas."

"I think the only father Christmas you'll be seeing round here is Dumbledore" Ron said as he ejected another set of slugs from his mouth.

"Well, we better get going" Hermione said "we got lessons." They bid Hagrid farewell and headed back up to castle. McGonogal cornered Harry and Ron.

"Ah yes, I have conered you both to tell you about your detentions, Ron you'll be serving Detetion with Mr Filch" McGonogal informed.

"Oh no" Ron groaned.

"And Harry, you'll be serving detention with Proffesor Lockhart and helping him answer his fan mail."

"Great" said Harry sarcasticly.

"Now off to your lessons and I'll meet you both in the entrance hall at seven pm to escort you to your detentions" MCGonogal said before walking off.

"Can't I do detention with Harry and answer Lockhart's fan mail instead?" Ron pleaded.

"No Mr Weasley" McGonogal replied before heading off again.

"Damn" said Ron as he punched the wall "detention with filch,that's the worst thing since brocoli, he'll have me there all night." So after they had their lessons of the day and Ron had the odd slug attack, they both went down to the entrance hall to find McGonogal already waiting for them.

"Right you two, I am going to take you to your detentions" she said before escorting them. She took Ron to Filch first who was going to make him clean every single trophy with a toothbrush.

"You've got five hundred trophies to clean and you ain't going until they are done" Filch said as he dragged Ron by the ear into the trophy room. McGonogal then took Harry to his Detention with Lockhart. He had a laptop set up on his desk and Harry got confused as he assumed that things like laptops could ever work at a place like Hogwarts.

"Ah harry my boy, come here" Lockhart said, waving Harry over who reluctanly obeyed and sat at the desk with Lockhart.

"Now, tonight, you are going to help me answer fan mail by my fans on my fansite" he announced proudly.

"You have your own fansite?" Harry asked.

"yeah, haven't you been on it?" Lockhart asked "it's really interesting."

"The Dursley's won't let me anywhere near their laptop" Harry said.

"Who's they?" Lockhart asked.

"My aunt, uncle and cousin, they're muggles and they are really mean" Harry said. Suddenly, he heard a voice echoeing around the room.

"_Come to me, let me tear you apart, let me kill you, let me harvest your organs,let me gobble you up,muhahahaha."_

"No I won't let you harvest my organs" Harry bellowed. Lockhart gave Harry a very weird look.

"Didn't you hear that voice just now?" Harry asked "it just wanted to harvest my organs."

"Oh, you probably might be showing early signs of schitzoprenia Harry, I suggest you get yourself checked out."

"Shut up, I don't have shitzoprenia" Harry snapped.

"Woah woah woah, ok ok" Lockhart said, waving his arms about "shall we just get answering these fan mails then hmm?." They had spent four hours doing this until Lockhart allowed Harry to go. As he made his way back to the Gryffindor common room, he had heard the voice again.

"_Time to kill, time to slaughter, I will kill you, I will tear you and feast on your assorted organs, muhahahahaha."_ Creeped out now, Harry legged it back to the common room before flopping out onto one of the arm chairs.

"Man, that is one creepy voice" Said Harry. Two hours later, Ron arrived back, hursing his aching wrist.

"How was your detention?" Harry asked as Ron collasped next to him.

"Awful" Ron said " Filch got me cleaning five hundred trophies with one lousy toothbrush and I had another slug attack on one of then, man did he flip out. So what about yours?" Harry then told Ron about Lockhart's laptop and the voice he had heard

"And the weird thing was, the only people in the room was me and Lockhart and that voice wasn't even one of us" Harry finished.

"You saying that there could have been another person in the room that was invisible?" Ron asked. Harry nodded.

"Meh, it's probably just Peeves mucking about" Ron suggested.

"Didn't sound like him though" Harry replied "the voice sounded a lot different."

"Ok, then you going mad" Ron said.

"I am not" harry said "look, let's just forget about it ok, I've had enough." He stormed up to the dormitry. Ron faked suicide for no apparent reason. Strange little boy.


	9. The not so boring deathday party

The not so boring deathday party

When October had fallen, the owls had developed a virus known as owl flu and were pretty soon passing on to the other students if they were bitten by an infected owl. Madam Pomfrey was up to her hands with many students all piling into the hospital wing claiming that they had been infected by the virus. She had given them all anti-flu lollies to help fight off the virus and they had tasted revolting compared to regular lollies, Percy had noticed that Ginny was looking awfully pale and wasn't herself so he suspected that she had been infected by the virus too so he tried to get her to suck on a anti-flu lolly.

"Do not want to" Ginny said "there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine." But percy was forceful so she was now sucking on a revolting anti-flu lolly.

"It tastes disgusting" Ginny insisted. So if you were to see a student sucking on an anti-flu lolly, then you knew that they were infected. One rainy day, Wood had his Gryffindor team doing another five hour practice session and Harry got really soaked through.

"Why the hell do we have to do training in this weather?" Harry asked.

"I don't care, get training" Wood replied. Harry flipped him off behind his back and decided to sneak off from training for today because he didn't feel like doing a five hour training session in the rain. He walked back into the castle without realizing that he was dripping mud everywhere or that a pimp leprechaun was randomly passing by swinging its pimp cane and saying "I'm too sexy for my lucky charms" over and over again. He was halfway down the corridor when he ran into nearly headless nick, the Gryffindor house ghost. Harry had seen him around many times but never bothered to talk to him.

"Erm hi" Harry said simply.

"Good day Mr. Potter, how is the weather today?" Nick asked.

"Terrible" Harry stated "any way, stuff the weather, I don't care about the weather, I just care about how totally famous and awesome I am." Nick simply nodded and gave a sigh.

"What's up with you?" Harry asked "why you so down dude, what's troubling you pal, why you so sad man?"

"Oh I'll never get into the headless hunt" Nick said "because I'm not completely headless according to Sir Patrick Delaney buttface."

"Patrick Delaney buttface" Harry snickered.

"Yeah, he's the one who runs the headless hunt and you can only join if you are completely headless and because I'm only nearly headless then I can't join." He then noticed that harry was dripping mud.

"You shouldn't be dripping mud round here today Harry, Filch has got that owl flu and he's in a very bad mood, this morning some third years had accidently plastered wet cement over the ceilings in dungeon five and he tried cleaning it off but couldn't because it had set so I better watch out Harry." Harry nodded and went to leave when he suddenly ran into Filch.

"Holy crap" Harry stated "I am so screwed to hell."

"Mud, mud everywhere" Filch yelled "I've had enough of it, follow me potter you dirt bag."

"Bye Nick" Harry said pitifully "if I die, I'll be one of your kind."

"Good luck with Filch Harry" Nick said before floating off somewhere. Filch took Harry into his office which held many torture devices because Filch had an obsession about torturing students who didn't obey by the rules.

"Sit down you dirt bag" Filch order.

"Fine, whatever pleases you" Harry said simply as he sat down. Filch sat on the chair opposite him and began writing down a piece of paper.

"Today , Harry potter has been bringing mud into the castle after I spend two hours trying to remove wet cement from the dungeon five ceiling, method of torture, hang him upside down over a vat of piranhas until he apologizes for his crime" he wrote.

"You are on sick son of a bitch" Harry stated "You cannot do that, it's inhuman and possibly cruel."

"Oi, don't you speak to me like that boy, I am going to use that method of torture and you will-"he was interrupted by a loud thud which caused a slight earthquake.

"PEEVES" Filch roared "WHERE ARE YOU, SHOW YOURSELF YOU MEDDLING POLTERGEIST." He legged it out of his office with Mrs. Norris, his vicious cat which he referred as his sweet followed behind him.

"Cool, I get to look in his diary" Harry said as he picked up Filch's diary and began reading it.

_Dear diary_

_I hate all the students in this place all because they can do magic and I can't. I want to kill them all ha ha ha. PS, I think I need some new shoes, these ones are becoming ancient, whatever, off to accuse some innocent student over something they haven't done._

"Woah, bad move Filch" Harry muttered as he put the diary back where he had found it. Filch came back a few minutes later.

"That vanishing cabinet costs twenty zillion pounds, we'll have Peeves out before you can say, cheeseburgers my snookums" Filch said to Mrs. Norris before turning his attention back to Harry.

"Are you still here?" he asked.

"Why, aren't you going to torture me?" Harry asked.

"I cannot be bothered, I'm just going to sit in here and be grouchy because I'm a grouchy old man, now clear off before I change my mind." Harry got up and legged it out of the office and down the corridor.

"I am the greatest wizard boy in the whole wild world, no one can defeat me, for I am the greatest" Harry said as he ran down the corridors and encountered nearly headless nick for the second time that day.

"Harry, harry, did it work?" Nick asked. Harry stopped running and skidded to a halt.

"What are you talking about Nick?" Harry asked.

"I got Peeves to distract Filch so he wouldn't be able to punish you in the most horrible way imaginable" Nick informed. Harry looked and saw the wreckage of what used to be the vanishing cabinet.

"Yeah, he was going to hang me upside down over a vat of piranhas" Harry replied.

"How disturbing" Nick replied "anyway, this Halloween will be my five hundredth deathday, fancy coming along?"

"What the hell is a death day?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's like a birthday party but instead of celebrating the day your born you're celebrating the day you die" Nick explained.

"Who on earth would want to celebrate the day they died, that is very strange" Harry replied.

"Whatever, so you coming along, it will be down in the dungeons" Nick asked.

"Ok, but on one condition" Harry said.

"Yes?" Nick wondered.

"Can I bring some friends along?" Harry asked.

"I don't see why not" Nick asked.

"And do we have to come in fancy dress?" Harry asked "like dress up as ghosts because I'm not walking around with a sheet over my head and two holes cut out for the eyes."

"No, just come normal my boy, no need for fancy dress" Nick replied.

"Ok, then I'll come then and I'll bring some friends" Harry said before heading off on his way. Later that evening, he had told Ron and Hermione about his deathday party invite.

"Cool, I've never been to a deathday party, I'll come" Ron said when Harry asked if he would come along. Hermione was a bit doubtful about coming because she reckoned it would be boring.

"Oh don't be such a spoil sport Hermyness" Ron said "for once in your life, have some fun."

"Ok" Hermione sighed "but don't call me hermyness Ronald."

"What's going on?" Ginny weasley asked who had just come out of the dormitory "what's this I hear about a deathday party."

"Harry's been invited to nearly headless nick's five hundredth deathday party, me and Hermione are going along ,want to come as well?" Ron asked.

"I wish I could but Percy thinks I still have owl flu and insists that I stay in bed until he's satisfied that I'm clear of it" she replied before going back up into the dormitories. On Halloween night, Harry and Hermione where waiting outside the dungeons for Ron so they could go to the deathday party. Harry was constantly checking his watch.

"Where is that kid, it's been nearly two hours" Harry complained.

"Stop complaining, he's here" Hermione replied. Ron was happily running towards them, holding what looked like a gold cup.

"Harry harry guess what, I've found the Holy Grail" Ron announced. He got down on his knees, held the gold cup up to the heavens and a series of opera music emitted from his mouth.

"Ahem Ron that is not the Holy Grail, that is the qudditch cup" Hermione informed.

"Awwwww" Ron said with pure disappointment. After he had put it back where he had found it, the three of them made their way to the deathday party. When they arrived they saw that it was a really awesome deathday party, there was a multicolored disco ball and a bunch of ghosts where boogying away.

"Alright" said Ron "party on." He ran straight onto the dance floor and began to boogie. Harry and Hermione shortly followed behind where they were approached by Nearly headless nick.

"Hello there and welcome to my deathday party, please enjoy yourselves and feel free to mingle about" he told them.

"I think someone's already enjoying themselves" Harry said, indicating to Ron who was now break dancing on the dance floor.

"I see that" Nick said as he watched Ron "go on my boy. Show off those funky dance moves." Harry tried his hand at some break dancing but he wasn't very good as Ron was.

"I've had enough of break dancing now, let's see what munchies they have" Ron insisted. The three living people made their way to the food table to find plates of moldy food.

"Ewwwwwww" said Ron "I'm not eating that."

"That is disgusting, who would want to eat that?" Harry asked.

"I would" said a random ghost that was passing by "I'll just pass through it and the worse it is, the tastier it is."

"Gross" said Hermione.

"Oh sweet strawberry jam donuts, why have you betrayed me?" Ron blurted out randomly. Harry gave him the evils.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Sorry, I'm having hallucinations again, I saw strawberry jam donuts betraying me" Ron replied.

"Since when did you get hallucinations?" Harry asked.

"Since Fred and George gave me those weird M and Ms earlier, my first one was when I thought the qudditch cup was the holy grail" Ron explained.

"You still have those M and Ms?" Harry asked. Ron showed harry a packet of colored tablets which resembled M and Ms.

"Erm Ron, these aren't M and ms, these are hallucination pills" Harry stated.

"Holy shit" Ron said. He turned around and vomited.

"Look it's moaning Myrtle, she haunts the girls toilets" Hermione said, pointing to the ghost of a girl wearing the Hogwarts uniform sobbing and saying now she'll never get married and have a future.

"Is that why she is called moaning myrtle, because she cries all the time?" Ron asked as he wiped his mouth. Hermione nodded.

"Oh right, I thought you meant the other kind of moaning." Hermione pimp slapped Ron round the chops.

"You dirty minded child" Hermione retaliated.

"Ok ok" Ron said, rubbing his chops "can we move away from the food now, the smell off mould and fungi is making me feel sick." They went to walk away from the moldy and foul food when Peeves the poltergeist suddenly appeared in front of them.

"You guys want some peanuts?" he asked, holding out a bowl of moldy peanuts which smelled fouled. Ron turned round and vomited.

"Errrr, no thanks" Harry said looking at Ron.

"Ok, I'll just throw them somewhere" Peeves said, chucking the bowl over his shoulder and causing the peanuts to scatter everywhere. Moaning Myrtle came passing by.

"Hey Myrtle, see you've finally left that grotty old toilet you always hang around in" Peeves said in a taunting voice.

"Dude, I've never vomited so much in all my life" Ron pointed out. Harry and Hermione scrunched up their faces in disgust.

"Go away" Myrtle whined.

"Moaning Myrtle turtle, moans all day long, she moans through the day and all through the night plus she smells like horse poo" Peeves sang as he chased Myrtle around the room. She started whining really loudly and flew out of the room with Peeves chasing after her. He came back a few seconds later.

"She's no fun, I'm going to throw some plates about" He said.

"Ahem, may I have your attention please?" Nick called through an old fashion microphone No one was paying attention, Harry, Ron and Hermione where doing the hokey pokey, some of the ghosts where attempting to do the break dance that Ron had shown them and Peeves was throwing some plates at a dart board.

"One hundred and seventy seven, one hundred and seventy eight, one hundred and seventy nine, one hundred and eighty" he yelled after throwing all the plates. Nick was starting to get real pissed off now.

"THAT'S IT I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU LOT NOT PAYING ME ANY ATTENTION, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, STOP DOING THE HOKEY POKEY, FAT FRIAR, STOP ATTEMPTING TO BREAKDANCE BECAUSE YOUR TOO FAT AND PEEVES, STOP BREAKING ALL THE PLATES" he yelled. Everyone fell silent and Nick took a big deep breath.

"Thank you, now as I was saying, I would like to-" he was cut off by a ghost that had just arrived.

"Nick old boy, how nice to see you, see you still haven't been properly decapitated yet."

"Folks, this is sir Patrick Delaney Buttface" Nick sigh "and he turns up uninvited to my deathday." Harry, Ron and Hermione all exchanged looks of confusion.

"Excuse me, but why is your last name buttface?" Peeves asked, raising his eyebrows "is it because your face resembles a butt?" At that moment, everyone had burst out laughing at what Peeves had just asked but Sir Patrick who didn't find it highly amusing.

"How dare you insult me" he scoffed "I have never been so insulted in my life."

"I'm bored now" Ron complained "let's go." So, the three second years left the death day party and decided to head back to their dormitory when Harry heard that creepy voice again.

"_Here I come, I'm coming to tear you, I'm coming to rip you, I'm coming to rape you, here I come."_

"Holy shit it wants to rape me" Harry yelled as he ran down the corridor with Ron and Hermione chased after him. They had been running for about ten minutes when the Harry suddenly skidded to a halt. Ron and Hermione weren't far behind.

"Harry, why you stopped?" Ron asked. Harry was stood frozen on the spot, staring at the wall. Both Ron and Hermione looked at where Harry was looking and what they saw on the wall read out

_The chamber of secrets has been opened, enemies of the heir beware, ps, Ralph Dobson you owe me a new feather quill since you didn't bother to return my old one back in our second year so if you're still around, get me a new feather quill before I..Holy crap, someone's coming, got to go…. ._


End file.
